• Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?""Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"His friend says "I think mine was a witch!""A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?""Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!


  • After forty-five, your ‘get up and go’ gets up and goes.


  • Whats 30 feet long got 60 feet and smells of pee ? 30 OAPs doing the conga


  • As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control and asked him to come over.
    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:



  • Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

    The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8am I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

    Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7am sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8am I move my bowels. Every morning at 9am sharp I wake up."


  • Middle age is when women stop worrying about being pregnant, and men start worrying they look like they are.


  • As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his mobile phone rang.
    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Alf, I just
    heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be

    "Hell," said Alf, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


  • The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


  • A boy asks his granny " have you seen my pills, they are labelled LSD." The Granny replies "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen"
  • What is silver and sits at the end of the bed taking the piss out of you? A kidney dialysis machine.
  • Doctor , I think I have genetic diarhoea! But diarrhoea isn't genetic! Well, it's in my jeans!!

 Send us your Jokes, we will print your name too if you want!