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FAMILY/WIFE/KID JOKES

 

 

  • My co worker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one.
"Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested
He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives."
"Who made up that ridiculous rule?"

"My mother."

 

  • One evening a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His two children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

    Proceeding into the hall, he found an even bigger mess. The dog bed had been knocked over, and a blanket was wadded against one wall. In the lounge the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, dog food was spilled on the floor, the dishwasher door was open and clothes were piled beside the washing machine.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

    She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

    He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

    She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

    "Yes" was his incredulous reply.

    She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

 

  •  A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
    “Living Will”
    "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
    and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
    His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

 

  • The night we took our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time, my husband ordered a bottle of wine. The server brought it over, began the ritual uncorking, and poured a small amount for me to taste.
My six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that."

 

  • A kid asks his father:
          Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed?
          Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.

 

  • My Wife gave me £50 and told me to go out and spend the money on something that makes her look sexy.!! You should have seen her face when I came home pissed!! 

 

  • Bloke came home form work and his wife said 'there's a rumour around town that your a pederfile'. Husband ' That's a big word for an 8 year old'

 

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