If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?

A bloody big cricket.






An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
... 'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is
why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is
still alive. How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and
had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.  He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living!  Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'
'No.  Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

 'Who said he wanted to?'


Ten Best Caddy Responses
 Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . We left that an hour ago sir."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus . . .
An old favourite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . ?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"



Have you heard about the London wasps rugby team, apparently they got a Bee team.



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